Itchy & Scratchy

The underside of PP's bump is itching itching itching. Aaaaaaagh! I want to scratch it now, BOY is it ANNOYING, so BY CRIKEY it must irritate her! (Should I write the letters for Readers' Digest?)

Curiouser and curiouser

Turns out that waaaaay back at the beginning, when I questioned the calculation of the due date, that there is no general agreement of average gestation.

Most people accept 40 weeks for caucasians; some medics think 41 is full term. For asian and african women, 39 weeks is more usual.

Statistically, women are more likely to have problems the longer the pregnancy continues - placenta failing, fetal distress. Most hospitals prefer to induce at 41 weeks to avoid problems, not because it is over term.

Curiouser and curiouser. Pic from The Victorian Web. http://www.victorianweb.org/ Good grief, there really is a web site for everything.

The Health Visitor Calls

Our assigned Health Visitor, Tara, pitched up today. A qualified nurse with nine years' experience on children's wards, Tara tried to explain what health visiting is, what she does, why, and the benefits. Tara is very friendly and it's good to see my taxes keeping her in employment. She was very positive about the home birth idea, and gave us lots of leaflets. Gosh.

No doubt I will sing a different tune at the first mild rash or touch of cradle cap.

I looked on the web for the Health Visitors' Association, and instead stumbled, or possibly stuttered, across http://www.stammering.org/. They even have ggggguest sssssspeakers at ccccconferences.

JJJohnny HHHammer, had a ttttterrible ssssstammer
He ccccccould hhhhhardly say a wwwwword
And so they ggggave him, mmmedicinal ccccccompound
Now he's seen, but never heard ...

Oh Yes.

Lyrics from http://homepage.ntlworld.com/gary.hart/ once again.

We'll have a shilling on the side (reprise)

After much confusion, the sweepstake is as follows:
P,T > Ea
T,T > Eb
S,K > Cl (popped!)
E,W > Kt
C,C > Tr
E,M > PP

With Cl already popped, the tontine stands at five. We are the latest due date, which I guess makes E&M the hot favourites to take the £50....

http://homepage.ntlworld.com/gary.hart/lyricsh/hill.html

Tasers in Childbirth

Tried the TENS machine. Awesome. Two AA batteries whack out enough of a jolt to make your muscles twitch uncontrollably. Think of sticking a PP3 battery on your tongue, except over an arm or leg. The sensation is not unlike a sneeze, and exactly like touching a cattle fence.

The TENS theory is that the shock encourages the body to produce endorphins, which mask the pain for the mother. In practice, especially if you set it to turbo boost (yes, except cars, everything has a turbo version), the TENS shocks raise the total sensory input so high that the body's receptors simply shut down.

Why does the heading Tasers in Childbirth spring to mind? Pic is from the excellent site, http://www.tbotech.com/advancedtaser.htm, where I discover that the Taser, too, is powered by AA batteries...

A bottle of warm Bulmers

"It's quiet, too damn quiet..." D-Day is 14 days away today, and the Any Moment Now pressure is gradually building.

At the weekend, she had a heap of girlfriends round for a baby shower, so the boys took the opportunity to visit the macramé exhibition at the local Fayre (yes, Fayre). There was a beer tent nearby, unfortunately,* and I broke the two-pint rule ie, from here on always be sober enough for a panic drive to hospital.

* Actually, a large dose of incompetence meant that we arrived after the beer tent had shut. We made do with a bottle of warm Bulmers. Nice. We sure know how to rip it up.

Nine-pounder

One of the NCT group has been told that her baby is 7lb 13oz and that at this stage babies grow by around half a pound a week. If she is two weeks overdue, it could be a nine-pounder...

That's got to sting, no?

Pic of a nine-pounder of a manly kind from http://www.toysoldiers.com.au/

Nesting instinct

Text from lovely wife: "Gone bonkers sorted kitchen cupboards bathroom cupboards but now have to lie down nesting huh."

No middle ground

T in the NCT group texts me: "Nice photo of donovan on blog! I am v excited/pissing myself, no middle ground." As he also said, with another of the NCT group having "symptoms," it's all getting very real.

(I Googled Michael Jackson for a suitable image to link along the lines of "You make me feel so real," and found http://www.beerhunter.com/ instead. The pic in this entry is the *other* Michael Jackson, beerhunter)

Our days are numbered

The first of our NCT group has popped: Luke Donovan, 7lb 13 oz, c-section two days earlier than planned. Wow! One day he's inside, next day the UK population rises by one!

And the dad? No longer a pregnant bloke. Our days are numbered. Holy Shmoly.

Pic from http://www.theunbrokencircle.co.uk/artist_profile_donovan.htm, an impressive weave-your-own-carrots website on folk music.

Knit-your-own-yogurts

During a recent visit, a midwife said that it is illegal to give birth in the UK without a midwife present. Excepting accidentally early deliveries in the backs of cabs, this puts the kibosh on knit-your-own-yogurts and ferals in the West Country wanting to pursue "freebirth." Or is it a closed shop on midwifery? And if a midwife delivers her own baby, is it legal?

And just to make it interesting

The boys have a £10 sweepstake on birth dates, last man standing takes all. Six couples, no babies yet, everything to play for...

"And just to make it interesting, we'll have a shilling on the side"... http://homepage.ntlworld.com/gary.hart/lyricsh/hill.html, and what a superb site it is too.

The Other Side

First NCT reunion outside class (should there be a site NCT-reunited.com?), which was excellent. Of six couples, one is already in hospital with a booked caesarian. The remaining five teeter at the edge of fate with but a few weeks to go.

This was our last meeting before babies arrive. As we parted, T said "See you all on the Other Side."

http://other_side.blogspot.com/ and check out http://myitc.blogspot.com/ for great random blogging and pics

Eight-word Exec Summary Birth Plan

Typed out the Birth Plan today. Executive Summary:

PP grunts and cusses
We have a baby

The full plan contains an ambitious role for me, where I deliver the baby, ID the sex and cut the cord before handing the mewling infant to its proud mother. Homeopathy, meditation, visualisation and yoga also feature high up the billing. Recent first-time parents say that the Birth Plan is a great idea, and bears no relation to reality.

As a Pregnant Bloke, I'll stick with the eight-word Exec Summary.

Breast Staatspolizei

The Breastfeeding Gestapo (Breastapo), the slang for the midwife enforcers that have no truck with bottle feeding.

It's all news to me, with an amazing number of hits on Google. My favourite hits to-date are http://cricketandcivilisation.blogspot.com/2006/11/lactivism-and-breastapo.html and http://triticumturgidum.blogspot.com/2006/04/breastapo.html purely because of the blog names. The blogs are worth a tour, too.

Breast Staatspolizei. You read it here last.

Extraordinary memory capabilities

Completed a visit to the homeopath with no casualties. Somehow I managed not to ask if she (the snake-oil saleswoman) was self-deluded or only deluding others. PP takes it deadly seriously, and if it makes her feel better, then that's all to the good.

If water possesses the extraordinary memory capabilities that are claimed by believers in homeopathy, what is their view on water being recycled from person to person umpteen times? Does water remember being peed by me as the homeopath drinks it?

Picture of a famous supporter of homeopathy; he also plans to be head of state. http://www.princeofwales.gov.uk/

Geographic feature of South Africa

Fun and games at NCT, with sessions on post-Natal depression, changing nappies, bathing baby and 'crossing the six-week shark-infested seas,' AKA Getting Over the Shock. The learning has come to a full stop, and we're into the waiting game. The weekly tally has become a count-down: 3½ weeks to go... or 5½ weeks or five days. Saints Alive!

PS Am I the only person that reads "post-Natal depression" as a geographic feature of South Africa? Pic from http://www.kzn.org.za/kzn/

Home or Away?

The Great Home or Away debate continues to rage. Statistically it is slightly safer having a baby at home - though who gives a stuff for statistics when it's your child? Odds of thousands-to-one become 50:50 when it comes to a single instance. So far, it's Home. If things go Pete Tong, we can always rush to the hospital. By crikey I'm brave.

Home or Away? Number One, please David. http://www.petetong.com/ and http://www.itsallgonepetetong.com/, by the way.

Sleep: a distant memory

Sleep is a distant memory for PP. Every two-and-a-half hours she's up, sitting or walking around, to give herself a break. Not only is she finding it disruptive, it's also boring. Her sleep is interrupted by pure discomfort, like an unpleasant stay in a hotel or a grisly camping holiday.

Me? I am sleeping like a log. Some things in life just ain't fair.

Almost in shape like a camel

Many of the books say that towards the end, as the baby's head starts to engage, kicking declines - whereas if anything it is increasing.

Sometimes we can definitely feel a pointy bit - a toe? a finger? an elbow? Impossible to say what it is or what it might look like. Almost in shape like a camel. The gyrations combine gymnastics, tai chi and Ecky Thump.

See http://website.lineone.net/~m.p/sf/hamlet.html and http://www.mevproductions.co.uk/TV/goodies.html

Elvis has not entered the building

The cot mattress has arrived. The cot sheets and blankets have arrived. The nursing chair has arrived. Booties, hats, sleepsuits and scratch mitts have arrived. The Visa bill has arrived.

The baby has not arrived. One month to go. More or less.

Going anywhere nice?

A comment from Medicine Man that deserves greater airtime: "are you taking paternity leave, and if so, are you going anywhere nice?"

Pillowtalk

Though the NHS has a bare £10,000,000,000 budget, it is wise to bring your own pillows to hospital, as there are not enough (or in some cases, any).

Not all hospitals allow you to plug items such as CD players into their mains sockets. Cheapskates.

Cellphones do not, despite the insolent notices plastering the walls, need to be banned in hospitals because of interference.

Taking Things Seriously

More baby (well, babyish) kit: a big bouncy ball for PP to sit on to ease back pain. I had suggested a space hopper, on the grounds that we'd get more use out of it (a) for later years of childhood and (b) for me. Apparently this is not Taking Things Seriously.

Illustrated is the Guffhopper - Farting Guff Space Hopper £25.00 as seen on http://www.tsthost.co.uk/catalog/index.php?cPath=45.

Maybe she has a point about not Taking Things Seriously.

Little Fat Lump

With one month to go, the Little Fat Lump is around 5lbs - which gives it a whopping 50 per cent weight gain target in the next four weeks.

(Searched for "Little Fat Lump" on Google, and came up with http://www.butch-femme.com/portal/. Oh Yes I Did.)

I am not making this up

First NHS Parenting Class this evening. In my cruel, limited middle-class way, I am expecting a very different experience when compared with the NCT.

Step one: identify the father...

Mind you, among the countless numbers of pregnancy-related books, pamphlets, leaflets and admonishments littering the house, one includes advice to new dads: it reads, "Don't have an affair."

I am not making this up, honest.

Last chance saloon

We're in the last chance saloon in terms of getting out and about. Weekends are fully booked, evening entertainment is pretty much off-limits. Birthday cards and presents have been stockpiled in advance (on the basis that I will suffer some kind of major incapacity to go shopping, clearly); all the baby clobber is in place, save a couple of John Lewis deliveries... Now we wait.

Five weeks to go... Every new Mum and Dad we know says Make the Most of It.

www.johnlewis.co.uk for everything

Where's my pipe?

This blog is full of black-and-white photos of stern-looking gentlemen. What does that tell me, I wonder?

Where's my pipe?

And she thinks she is big now!

Here's a curiosity: the measurement in centimetres that the midwife takes of the uterus matches the number of weeks' gestation. PP is 36cm right now, ie 36 weeks.

Putting aside the obvious difficulties (how did it work before metrication? if a non-pregnant woman has a 10 cm uterus is she permanently 10 weeks pregnant?), there's a satisfying cubic function at work here. Assuming the measurement is a chord on a sphere, and if we know the radius (tummy-button to spine) and the angle (around 90 degrees), it is possible to work out the weight gain between now (36cm) and 40 weeks (ie, 40cm) if her density is about 0.9 (when compared with water).

With me so far? Good.

Since my density is waaaaay above 1.0, I'm not about to attempt to work this out. The summary is: she is going to grow much, and I mean *MUCH*, bigger.

It's all to do with linear vs volumetric. As a quick glance through On being the right size by J B S Haldane will tell you, a 36 to 40 linear increase is slightly less than 10%; the same figures give a volume increase of about 23% .

And she thinks she is big now!

"On being the right size," found at http://irl.cs.ucla.edu/papers/right-size.html