Eight-word Exec Summary Birth Plan

Typed out the Birth Plan today. Executive Summary:

PP grunts and cusses
We have a baby

The full plan contains an ambitious role for me, where I deliver the baby, ID the sex and cut the cord before handing the mewling infant to its proud mother. Homeopathy, meditation, visualisation and yoga also feature high up the billing. Recent first-time parents say that the Birth Plan is a great idea, and bears no relation to reality.

As a Pregnant Bloke, I'll stick with the eight-word Exec Summary.

Taking Things Seriously

More baby (well, babyish) kit: a big bouncy ball for PP to sit on to ease back pain. I had suggested a space hopper, on the grounds that we'd get more use out of it (a) for later years of childhood and (b) for me. Apparently this is not Taking Things Seriously.

Illustrated is the Guffhopper - Farting Guff Space Hopper £25.00 as seen on http://www.tsthost.co.uk/catalog/index.php?cPath=45.

Maybe she has a point about not Taking Things Seriously.

You know so much that it ain't so...

Pleasingly, as the baby sinks lower and the head engages with the rim of the cervix (or pelvis or pelmet), the medical bods have a way of measuring the descent, in fifths. So as the major circumference of the head settles, it is progressively one-, two-, three- and four-fifths engaged.

Except some midwifery teams use the inverse scale: three-fifths, for example, meaning only two-fifths in the slot with three to go.

It's not so much that you know, it's that you know so much that it ain't so...

Twisting by the pool

The birthing pool sounds and looks like a good option (and see blog entry on the discredited Acquatic Theory of Evolution), except PP is very anti swimming around in her own poo. The buoyancy helps, the feel of the water on skin distracts from the pain, and it can be very cooling, too. It's pretty good for the woman as well.

Joking aside, a five-month new dad friend whose daughter was born in a birthing pool said that the strangest part was seeing the baby's head poking out, not the least bit bothered.

Apparently, one of the major duties of the partner (or doula or midwife) is to fish the floaters out of the water, should there be any. Bleeeurgh.

Pic of the boys from Dire Straits when they had hair

What about the next eighteen years?

The pace of learning about pregnancy and birth has picked up, the most significant of which is: we are nearing the *start,* not the finish.

All through this blog I realise I have become sucked into the pregnancy world. In fact, all the conception, pregnancy and hoojamaflip is not even all about the birth. It's about the consequences.

A recent-ish new dad made the point a slightly different way. If gestation took two weeks, there would be little, if any, focus on the pregnancy. It would be all about the first weeks and months of the new baby, and realisation that we were starting something.

Pregnancy is so long, that it becomes a focus in itself. Towards the end, the birth becomes a focus in itself, such as birthing plans, the right music, home or hospital and the myriad other items that fill our heads.

What about the next eighteen years?

For those of you watching in black and white

She has swollen visibly in the past couple of days. According to the medically precise literature, Tobbles is now around two pounds. Or four. Or two-thirds birthweight, which for those of you watching in black and white, is 5.3333333333333333333333333333333 lbs.

Murray Walker owes so much to Ted Lowe, both of them modern heroes. (Pic stolen from the BBC site.)

Gas & Air

Trevor, a three-month-Dad, came round last night and gave me the inside story on the delivery of his little girl. They had a detailed birthing plan that went AWOL on first contact with the enemy. The only part that actually happened was him snipping the umbilical cord. True Dr Kildare stuff.

From a bloke's perspective, I think I picked up the key points, which are:

1 Say Yes to a drag on the Gas & Air. Hell, why should she have all the fun?
2 Unless you have a strong constitution or deliver babies for a living, stay clear of the business end
3 Take spare clothing and be prepared to smell
4 And it is all worth it, honest

I think point three is already fairly well covered by most blokes, and number two is fair enough; coming in at Number One, saying Yes to the Gas & Air, falls into the tip top tip category, to be tattooed on the inside of your eyelids.

PS And where do the towels and hot water come into it, then?

PPS Yaphet Kotto (see earlier entries) was in the original Thomas Crown Affair. Thought you might like to know. Kevin Bacon, anyone?

"Childbirth Solutions, bringing solutions to childbearing families."

I promise you I am not making this up: http://www.childbirthsolutions.com/ "Childbirth Solutions, bringing solutions to childbearing families."

World's smallest baby: less than a pack of butter

The world's smallest premature baby has been released from hospital. Born by caesarian section at 26 weeks, she weighed just 8.6 oz or 243g. A standard pack of butter weighs 250g.

Priti could not bear to look at the pictures. We are at 20 weeks.

Google for "World's smallest baby" or try this link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6742983/