"Honey, I ain’t got no sideways."

Just compared a sideways pic of 16 weeks with today, just over 30 weeks. Blimey. "Honey, I ain’t got no sideways."

For those of you watching in black and white

She has swollen visibly in the past couple of days. According to the medically precise literature, Tobbles is now around two pounds. Or four. Or two-thirds birthweight, which for those of you watching in black and white, is 5.3333333333333333333333333333333 lbs.

Murray Walker owes so much to Ted Lowe, both of them modern heroes. (Pic stolen from the BBC site.)

Iambus Iaculatoris

Jumpy leg syndrome, or to give it the full fake medicalatin name, Iambus Iaculatoris, I can understand: the bump causing stress on the sciatic and other nerves making her legs twitch, fair enough. But a pregnancy making your wrists and fingers swell and sensation to go haywire. Cripes.

Carpal Tunnel

Well, there you have it: PP has a bout of carpal tunnel syndrome. Her fingers are fat, numb or tingly, and sometimes like hot sausages and at other times like cold fish. Wierd.

I quite like the limp-wristed image included here, from http://www.neurosurgerytoday.org/what/patient_e/carpal.asp and there is more at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carpal_tunnel_syndrome

Mexican Wave

Turning over in bed: now there I was thinking that the huffing and puffing could get no louder.

It's a Mexican Wave, starting at the toes and rippling up to her arms, followed by a heave onto all fours, and then a controlled collapse into a series of intermediate shuffles. The final manoeuvre is the sandbagging, with deep exhalation.

Ten weeks to go.

A simple thing like a stepladder

One very slight disadvantage of the room we are using... not pregnancy-friendly!

The steps to the loft room, similar to a bunk-bed ladder, are hard enough to negotiate after a hearty supper and suitable neck oil. For a pregnant woman, they're a definite no-no. Amazing how a simple thing like a stepladder can be completely defeating.

(While I was looking for an image, I came across this site: http://www.bizrate.co.uk/babies_kids/)

Swimming along nicely

PP is finding real relief from the increasing poundage by floating in the swimming pool. She's not keen on a water birth (messy) or a home birth (ditto), but the weightlessness is becoming increasingly attractive.

Photo from http://www.hopebarton.co.uk/gallery.asp Hope Barton Barns, where we are staying.

Last Freedom Holiday

Off on holiday, to Hope Barton Barns in Devon www.hopebarton.co.uk for a week of R&R.

Mine's a large one, hers is enormous

There's nothing like a doting grandfather-to-be, and my father is absolutely nothing like a doting grandfather-to-be.

Fair play, he is already a grandfather four times over, so I guess it's not an entirely new experience. Still as his favourite and only son, I was hoping for slightly more excitement when he met PP and Tobbles as the bump has now become.

I think the main impact is that there is slightly less drain on the gin stores while PP is not drinking. Good for him; someone has to keep a sense of proportion.

Mine's a large one, hers is enormous.

Vorsicht! Spielende Kinder!

For the first time in a long time, we are apart - here I am stuck in a (very smart) hotel in Karlsruhe, there she is in Leafy Wimbledon. A very peculiar feeling. I miss the kicks and the daily reports of progress. What on earth will it be like when Number One pops out?

Cousin Simon cannot bear to be away from his family. He even missed our wedding because of it. I have the faintest glimmering of understanding for him now - even if he is still in the Bad Books.

Pic from http://www.ka-news.de/

Practically Perfect in Every Way

This afternoon the tank had run dry: I was wrong, the weather too hot, she was too tired, sleep was short and so were tempers... Yup, Stroppy Wife Syndrome.

Me? I'm Practically Perfect in Every Way. My dirty clothes are always in the basket, my shoes are always put away and everything she asks for is done in an instant. Oh Yes.

Breech is definitely Bad

Another midwife appointment this morning, and Boy Oh Boy! Does she know what's what when it comes to heaving the baby about!

As part of the checkup, the midwife wanted to check on the baby's position in the womb (cue for a series of pretend-Latin names to make it all sound very medical). Roughly speaking, Head Down is Good, other ways are Not Good, and Breech is definitely Bad. I was a breech baby.

To find out what's going on, the midwife gave the bump the most massive stirring. No messing, both hands and give it some body weight massage.

Toblet(te) is the right way up: ie, down.

Shrinking Bed Syndrome

Shinking Bed Syndrome is back again. I am relegated to a thin strip, a kind of DMZ, on one side.

No matter how much harrumphing and fussing there is, I don't have a baby stuffed up my jumper. At least I can lose weight,

Now there's an underused name

The pummelling continues from within. What was a source of joy is rapidly becoming a nuisance. How quickly we fall out of love with even our children to-be.

In a recent limp attempt at humour, I threatened a supplier with kidnapping his children until he was able to deliver on time. "You can 'ave 'em," he said, and I don't think he was joking. One of them is named after me. (OK, unfortunately shares the same mark of Cain as me.)

Hey: Cain. Now there's an underused name...

Third person in the relationship?

"There'll be another person in the relationship." Yes, I know.

Mind you, on that point, it's a pretty crowded relationship already, what with the fishing (no blog...yet), bees, beer, money, guns and butter.

Officially in the third trimester

Officially in the third trimester, and with Toblet(te) bursting through the 2lb barrier, the bump is becoming a hillock, set at a jaunty 90 degrees. I think it's amazing, she thinks it a pain in the front.

Sleep factor five, Scottie

Sleep factor five, Scottie... Yes, sleep still very high on the agenda, and she is finding it progressively harder to find a comfy position. Last night was, so I understand, a raging bout of tossing and turning, complete with a banana raid at about 3am.

I managed to snore through the whole thing. Impressive, huh?

Smells of, smells of...

Great fun unwrapping the bottle feeding bumper pack. How often do you get to unpack a whole box full of gear, with mystifying components, oblique instructions and polyethylene plastic packaging that smells of .. smells of.. victory?

Having been brought up with Meccano and train sets, it was a strangely childlike experience to pull out the next gizmo and try to figure what it was for. Does the breast pump doohickey fit the storage container? Why is there a spare valve set? Can the teats be fitted to the other jars?

Too exciting for words.

Smells of, smells of... http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078788/

First arrival of kit

The first significant kit, unpacked, in the kitchen...lurking... It's curious how a small change - bottle steriliser thingmajig - makes the house feel different.

Back to the drawing board

Acting on advice from Comments Received (click below), I have scanned my spam for suitable names. My top choices are Friend; Endoknow (no I don't); Vi.1.gra (and many variations thereof); Womens Pain (aaiiiee); Rewards Galore (I quite like that...) and Stud.

OK, enough already. Back to the drawing board.

Moon Unit and the Berk Test

Trevor, four-month Dad, reckons on having Critical Tests for a baby's name. I particularly like the first one, the Berk Test:

Would you feel like a berk shouting it across the park?
How does it sound when you are scolding?
Will it work for a teenage lover?
How will it sound for a pensioner?

Frank Zappa's famously named daughter has grown tired of her Moon Unit moniker, and has, I hear, decided on something more prosaic... she's gone for Moon Zappa. Both style and class in one name, I feel.

If we can't have Moon Unit, how about Uranus?

Maybe not.

Visit http://www.zappa.com/ I remember him as Zappa the Crapper.

Horsetrading, not whispering

This entry prompted by Bill's comment (following). If I could find out how to show comments, I would, as they are much more interesting than the twaddle I write in the first place:

"How are you doing re names? All very quiet on that front. I was keen on 'Jordan' for my daughter, but this was subject to the wife's veto. We had an arrangement where each partner could provide short list of 6 names, and had 3 vetos; what was left was then subject to the usual horse trading. If you're short of inspiration, I'm always impressed by the variety of sender names that fill up my spam inbox. Pleased to hear the gun emplacement is coming along. "

I'll Name That Child in One

Struggling with the Naming Convention for the Toblet(te). The plan is to go for a crossover culture fusion type deal, which puts Jonathan Charles Edward Cholmondely on the back burner. As for Jordan Myleen Beyoncé - well, they never even made it to the cooker.

What about politicians: Bliar? Cameroon? Ming? Or sportspeople: Monty? Denise? Fatima? Perhaps we should go for political geography, like India, China or Tjadzikhistan. Or location of conception, somewhat like the Beckhams with a twist: not so much Brooklyn, more Uterus.

A friend, Regina, is plagued by people misremembering her name, saying to her, "Don't tell me, it starts with a V," and she interrupts them quickly.

Yup, I feel like an Expectant Bloke

First big kit-buying spree was a major success: we crossed the critical pyschological barrier of accepting that It's All For Real. We did manage to come back with the blankets for a pram not a cot, and bought a bottle-feeding kit when we want breastfeeding, but apart from that, a giant success.

Yup, I feel like an Expectant Bloke.

Got the kit at John Lewis in Kingston, http://www.johnlewis.com/ Superb staff, excellent range, and the most overheated place on earth.