Volatile, stroppy, tired and snappy

Speaking to a friend's wife, she reckoned that in some ways it's tougher for men than women during pregnancy.

Her pitch was that her hormones prepare and defend her against the demands of growing a baby, the external result of which, in many cases, is a volatile, stroppy, tired and snappy wife. (Read "partner" for "wife," if you like.) So much of her behaviour is now outside her control, that the men can no longer figure out what is going on. The best the men can do is hang on for the ride.

Not an argument you hear much in the pregancy books.

Volatile, Stroppy, Tired and Snappy; weren't they the Lost Dwarves?

Pic stolen from http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0029583/

Off to pregnancy yoga

Grumpy grumpy grumpy this morning after a rotten night. She even woke me up, which is quite something as I sleep well.

My sister, with three bambinos, left her husband with the boys one night for the first time. On her return, she asked, "Were the boys up all night?" because they usually were. "Oh no," he said, "They slept through." Curious, my sister asked the boys, as sleeping through would be an all-time ring-the-bells hang-out-the-flags event. "No, we were up," they said, "But we couldn't wake Daddy."

Back to babies. According to the books, which I have actually started to read, at 17 weeks the baby is around 12cm long and 200g-ish. We're talking tiny! In the next six months, it will grow to 40cm and around 4kg, about four times longer and twenty times heavier. Saints Alive!

By mid afternoon, with breakfast, brunch, lunch and snacks inside her, wifey is all energy and fun again. Hah. She's off to pregnancy yoga this evening...

Image pinched from: http://www.theyogaplacesa.com/classdescrip.htm

Thank the Lord that made me not a woman

Brunch, then a walk up to Wimbledon Common (a beautiful bright blue day) and... total flat battery by about 3pm. On return she slept from about 4pm to 9pm, woke up hungry and therefore stroppy, and perked up again as soon as she stuffed a banana into the gap.

When I ask if she is tired, or suggest that it might be wise to plan for a pitstop, she insists that she's OK and then ker-bloouie! End of energy. System shutdown.

It must be an enormous change as a woman, to have your energy levels and capabilities dictated by the baby. Control is no longer hers, and adjusting her lifestyle does not come easily.

Thank the Lord that made me not a woman.

I didn't know that pregnancy had Doldrums

Errrmmm... Not much happening. Curious how after the first helter-skelter trimester, now that the sickness has gone and the newness of expectation has worn off, it's actually... a bit... boring...

What happens now? We're too far away from D-Day for a countdown to make much sense. Humph. I didn't know that pregnancy had Doldrums.

Three-month summary of the pregnant bloke

In the first three months of the pregnancy, I have learned

> How to count in a new way (from the LOP to the EDD)
> A ton of new acronyms and terms for babies, guts and plumbing
> To understand that "I'd like some..." means "Get me some..."
> Every pregancy-related entry in the diary is The Most Important Entry Ever
>"This week," "Today" and "Soon" all mean NOW THIS MINUTE
> And that there is nothing on earth that does not qualify as a subject for worry.

All good, enjoyable, rollercoaster stuff. Her sickness has all but gone, her energy levels are recovering, and we're getting our act together.

Fantastic.

Complete travel system

Is it just me, or does the World of Prams not entice any bloke? We looked at mercifully few - sister-in-law with recent sprog having done the hard digging on research - and chose the Pilko Pramette. It is advertised as "can also be combined with the primo viaggio infant car seat to make a complete travel system."

Apart from the silly use of Italian, I would have thought that 'a complete travel system' would be an integrated rail network, or the hub and spoke of a global airline. In which case, £500 would be something of a bargain. Instead, our 'complete travel system' is actually a buggy and a baby car-seat that clips in. Apparently polka dots are all the thing this year.

Farting about in Mamas and Papas (excellent, I mean excellent staff) was great fun, and really brought the whole baby business home. Women of vary degrees of hugeness were teetering, floating or barging through the store. We tried not to gape. If you want to compare bumps and babies, head off to your local maternity store right now, it makes it all REAL!

Tricorder readings: baby's heartbeat at 155 bpm

Another visit to the midwife, and, amazingly, another opportunity to hear the Alien Heartbeat!

The midwife completed her run-through of blood test results, urine sample (we brought one along) and blood pressure check - and then offered the chance to listen to the heartbeat.

She fished out what I can best describe as a Tricorder, with a doohickey shaped like a pestle attached by a long curly cable. After smearing the end of the doohickey with gel and poking about a bit, we heard a 155 beat per minute heartbeat, loud and clear. Amazing!

The Tricorder was the same basic device as the kit used by the GP. The midwife was waaaay quicker than the GP in finding the right spot to hear the heart. Practice, I guess.

Incidentally, none of the books mentioned that we would get to hear the heart this time around. Maybe it's non-standard, or perhaps the books are slightly out of date.

If you are given the chance, grab it!

http://www.startrek.com/startrek/view/library/technology/article/70294.html

Topped off with chocolate buttons

Right as rain today, guzzling a healthy mix of feta cheese, baby spinach leaves, hummous, pitta bread and macaroni. Topped off with chocolate buttons.

Naturally, the decreasing sickness and improved appetite is entirely down to the mix of homeopathic remedies (phosphorus) and acupuncture (a needle in her back and two studs stuck to the insides of her wrists).

Or could it be that she's firmly into the second trimester and her body is adapting?

Definitely the acupuncture and the homeopathy. To say otherwise would be a Man's Point of View, which is generally not what's wanted right now. In fairness, the care and attention that goes into an acupuncture session or homeopathy consultation must produce a powerful placebo effect, and if that's what it takes, that's fine too.

The pregnancy is turning out to be great fun, particularly with a definite feeling that her nausea is lifting. It must be hideous to feel seasick for three months, and frankly I am surprised that she has not been snappier. Very much now looking forward to the swelling bump that represents Number One Child.

http://www.cadbury.co.uk/EN/CTB2003/

blind panic and desperate tiredness.com

A mate, Tom, who is four months ahead of me (his daughter Katya Grace was born on 14 September), wrote:

"I did have a look at it [this blog] when you first mentioned it. I think I was the mint choc chip ice cream day. I think it is more of an expurgation than catharsis - an intellectual form of shouting it out of the window, telling your parents or blabbering to your mates after too many pints.

However a very useful and admirable device. I must say that I could do with some form of regular unloading called 'God I have got a lot on, it's really exciting but I alternate between blind panic and desperate tiredness.com.' I think it is called being alive, a by product of taking on responsibility but it does flag up the lack of support structures in our world for the average bloke who doesn't have mates or family nearby, doesn't play football or support West Ham - or is obsessed about fishing.

So, houses, wives, babies, businesses, ageing parents, occasionally difficult siblings, employees, accountants, middle aged spread and being ginger! Let's acknowledge ourselves for what fine fellows we are and commend ourselves for taking everything that Landmark had to offer and using to produce the most amazing lives possible.

Cheers - and I will read your blog regularly but only if I get a mention once a month. This could be the Bridget Jones of blokes!!!"

Thank you Tom. Does this count as your mention?

Smell like a llama's armpit

After yesterday's jaunt around town, sure enough... she's sick and feeling knackered. At least now, though, she understands why, and the bump is really beginning to show.

Did I mention that part of the nausea makes her gag at the smell of my deodorant? I won't take it personally, since the alternative is not to use any at all and smell like a llama's armpit after my tube ride home.

http://www.fcukbuymail.com/ProductDetails.aspx?language=en-GB&ProductID=cooloffspray

Assembly, Growth, Fat - and John Diamond

Much more cheerful today. A visit to a homeopath (see below) all the way across town to East London, then to Kensal Green, then back to Waterloo, puts her right back in the super-active league. Her moods, energy and activity are a kind of bipolar thing: one day sun, next day rain. They say that this middle section is the Golden Trimester, weeks 15 to 29. After the initial trauma and stress of conception, the glow of pregnancy comes alive as the hormones settle down and the body revs up to full throttle to build the baby.

Talking of building the baby, Note to Self: the three trimesters are, in bloke's terminology, Assembly, Growth, Fat. The first few weeks are conception, turning from an egg and sperm into a ball of cells and then an embryo on which the limb buds, spinal cord, heart and gubbins form into proper organs, extremities and guts. After the Assembly is complete, the embryo becomes a fetus, with all the right components in the right places, very, very small: hence the second trimester is Growth. And when the baby is pretty much grown, the final trimester is spent sticking on weight and reserves to help survive the trauma of birth and the first week or two of life: Fat.

Assembly, Growth, Fat. Probably total cobblers, but it helps me understand what's happeing. It would be much easier if Assembly, Growth, Fat, spelled something handly like GAF or FAG, but you can't have everything.

Anyway, about her attachment to homeopathy... As part of my New Caring Self, I have kept clear of commenting on homeopathy. Let me leave it to Richard Dawkins (second mention in this blog) in the introduction to "Snake Oil" by John Diamond, as quoted by Derren Brown (in "Tricks of the Mind," page 303):

"Any homeopath who really believes his theory should be beavering away from dawn to dusk. After all, if the double-blind trials of patient treatment came out reliably and repeatedly positive, he would win a Nobel Prize not only in Medicine but in Physics as well. He would have discovered a brand-new principle of physics, perhaps a new fundamental force in the universe. With such a prospect in view, homeopaths must surely be falling over each other in their eagerness to be first in the lab, racing like alternative Watsons and Cricks to claim this glittering scientific crown. Er, actually, no, they aren't. Can it be that they don't really believe in their theory, after all?"

Clever bloke, that Professor Dawkins; Alchemy springs to mind. A bit like making babies.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Snake-Other-Preoccupations-John-Diamond/dp/0099428334

It's all beginning to dawn on me

After a restful day, we spent some time reading each other the "Fifteen weeks" chapters of several different pregancy guides. Depending on which book you read, the baby is variously 8, 9 and 10cm long by now - I think of it as laboratory mouse size. Reckoned it wise not to share the thought. She may experience 'fluttering,' the early signs of kicking.

It's all pretty fascinating at this point. She sleeps badly, is occasionally sick, is starting to enjoy the pregancy, and her appetite is returning. Mood swings are caused principally by her getting utterly shagged out, and leaving it too late to grab food or rest. There is another midwife check coming up (blood tests for diabetes and some other stuff), and that's about it.

Considering that the baby currently weighs around 30g, about a fag-packet-size lump of butter, and in six months might weigh more than one hundred times more (yup, honest), it's frankly not bloody surprising that she's tired, irritable, knackered, volatile, sick, stressed, alarmed, confused... Apparently her heart is already pumping some 40 per cent (two-fifths in old money) more blood. That's like me walking up the stairs. Once.

And then at the end of it, the poor bugger has to squeeze the whole shebang out of ... well, you get the drift. It's all beginning to dawn on me.

Here in my car: Gary Numan

After the panic of Friday, a great weekend. Plenty of pottering, taking it easy, and general swelling.

More web site nonsense: www.greenbaby.co.uk and www.phpbaby.com and I am sure there are *thousands* more out there. To even things up, try www.willitblend.com And how about this: Gary Numan in The Times online http://women.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,27870-2308699,00.html

Here in my car. Oh yes.

Spotting: MAJOR stress factor all round

First scare this afternoon... At around 3pm, she notices some spotting - blood to you and me, mate - and calls me right away. Heartstopper.

The good news is that all is OK. We went to the GP, he did a quick kind of hand-held scan job that allows you to hear the baby's heartbeat, and we heard it rattling away at 160 beats per minute.

It took the doc a bit of poking about with the electronic stethoscope to find the hearbeat, mind you, and at the end of it my heart rate was waaaay above 160, never mind the nipper. I think wifey's heart had stopped - or at least, all the blood had diverted to her crushing grip on my hand. I can hardly type, and the shy lover's friend may take a while to recover...

When it came to calling for help, when she first saw the blood: shit and corruption. There I am stuck at work, she cannot get hold of the midwife, and we cannot find the numbers for the hospital departments.

The midwifery number we were given to call is not attended during the afternoon. We were not told that. It was on answerphone. The assigned midwife turns her mobile off when she is not on shift (fair enough). There is no deputy's number on her voicemail. Rising panic? You bet.

Four hours after we called the midwifery department, and after we had separately made a GP appointment, a midwife called back. When we quizzed her about which number to call in future, she was not at all clear. Nor would she take action. Or suggest a course of action. She was not even sure if we came under midwifery, obstetrics, maternity or geriatrics. I'd have settled for dentistry at that point.

Anyway, MAJOR stress factor all round. The main thing is, all seems OK. Phew. Probably the Chalfonts, which is a common affliction in mid-term pregnancy.

Lessons to self: (1) keep the midwife's land and mobile number handy, (2) find out about alternative numbers to call.

And if that was all a scary one for me, imagine what it was like for wifey.

PS Just found this on the web:

Author: Adam Hunt
Imprint: Random House Australia
Price: $16.95
Subject: Family/Pregnancy
Format: Paperback
Release: 1-07-2003

Bouncing baby? Not quite

Not good at all yesterday: sick sick sick sick sick. She managed to eat half a banana (bounced), a slice of toast, half a smoothie (bounced), a tiny portion of broccoli quiche (bounced) and another half a banana (bounced).

Hmmm, a bad day today. She felt very, very tired in the morning, overslept and therefore didn't eat until late, feeling sick and upchucky. Bleeurgh. It makes me feel sick in sympathy.

Tell me things I don't know, not how you think I will feel

If I read one more book, article or hilarious columnist telling me how I feel, I will make it a mission to burn all of the pregancy and birth books on the planet. And their authors.

The writers turn into nannies as soon as their fingers tickle the keyboards. "You may be feeling worried right now," and "Baby will make you feel proud, confused, frightened and overjoyed all at the same time."

Get stuffed.

Tell me things I don't know, not how you think I will feel. Tell me risks in percentages, give me dates and hospital tests, show me pictures and diagrams that aid my understanding.

Morons.

Year of the Golden Pig

Apparently, 2007 is the Year of the Golden Pig in China.

Learned this from http://his.babyblog.com/

Nice work if you can get it

The NCT is £200 for six classes, two of which are women only. Nice work if you can get it.

Pregnant blokes, I salute you!

So many books! And this is just the stack on my end of the window-ledge! How many of them have I read so far?

On a brighter note, her morning sickness is beginning to clear up, which is a relief. I have no idea why it is called 'morning sickness.' Apparently it's more like being sea-sick; at any moment, ker-blooiee, off it goes. Women have a hard time of it; as the sickness is going, sleeping is becoming harder for her - something to do with the pelvis shifting to make room for kiddo.

We made our Top Ten for the year, and top of the list was "healthy baby." Does the will-it-be-OK fear ever go away? At birth, I guess. Several male friends with new babies have been outstanding in their offers of you-can-talk-to-me stuff. It's a rare thing to find people who can listen to your drivel and still go out for a beer with you.

Pregnant blokes, I salute you!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Blokes-Guide-Pregnancy-Jon-Smith/dp/140190288X/sr=1-1/qid=1169557915/ref=sr_1_1/202-7962260-3967869?ie=UTF8&s=books

Get orrff moi woife

Great day fishing, and a mate caught a 19lb pike ... and I spent most of the time thinking about the strange alien growing inside my wife.

In a way I absolutely never expected, I am wondering about it all the time and want to be near her. Protective? What on earth will I be like with my own child?

During the scan, the sonographer (Oh Yes, me and pregancy jargon are now close mates) was pushing *very* hard, jabbing the scan doohickey so much that wifey was in some pain. I actually found myself about to intervene in a manly way: "Get orrff moi woife."

Strange. Most of the time I spend sitting at a desk, pumping a pencil not iron - and yet having a pregnant wife makes me an Alpha Male.

Testosterone, anyone?

Welcome to the NCT

Good news yesterday - we have a place on the local NCT classes. Friends say that by far the best part is getting to meet other local parents-to-be, rather than what you (allegedly) learn. Yesterday was the first parenting class, too, at the local hospital. Suddenly being 14 weeks pregnant seems insignificant alongside women who are tight as drums at 42 weeks.

This is the fun part: we can tell people, we're learning fast, and the sickness and cravings are subsiding. And she's feeling better too.

Can Mint Choc Chip be an inherited craving?

Last night's request: the tub of mint choc chip ice cream... I used to love it, too!

Description
Dairy mint & chocolate flavoured ice creams rippled with chocolate sauce and topped with dark chocolate flakes.

Suitable for vegetarians.
Ingredients
Partially Reconstituted Skimmed Milk, Chocolate Sauce (12%) (Water, Sugar, Plain Chocolate (Sugar, Cocoa Mass, Fat Reduced Cocoa Powder, Cocoa Butter, Emulsifier: Soya Lecithin), Whipping Cream, Partially Invert Refiners Syrup, Skimmed Sweetened Condensed Milk, Fat Reduced Cocoa Powder, Thickener: Modified Waxy Maize Starch; Salt), Sugar, Butter Oil, Glucose Syrup, Double Cream, Plain Chocolate Shavings (2%) (Sugar, Cocoa Mass, Butter Oil, Cocoa Butter, Emulsifier: Soya Lecithin; Flavour), Fat Reduced Cocoa Powder, Whey Powder, Plain Chocolate (Sugar, Cocoa Mass, Fat Reduced Cocoa Powder, Cocoa Butter, Emulsifier: Soya Lecithin), Emulsifier: Mono- and Di- Glycerides of Fatty Acids, Stabilisers: Carob Gum, Guar Gum, Carrageenan, Natural Vanilla Extract, Colour: Copper Chlorophylin, Natural Peppermint Oil.

Pregnant Bloke - there's a lot of it about

Besides the plans for shopping "for baby," now that the main business of telling friends and family is out of the way or at least on the way, it is all becoming much easier.

For a start, there's a lot of it about. Try www.newbabyblog.co.uk to see someone else's blog. And so far this year Maya, Anaya, Tamsin, Katya, Oliver, Reis & Jay, Satchin, Ben, William, Josh and Matilda have been born to in-laws, friends , colleagues and neighbours ... and these are folk we know well, not just random know-they-had-a-baby.

In fact, now I just can't wait to tell people, and it's frustrating that it's by phone. At least with skype we can see them.

Hello Tamsin in Vancouver!

PS Broccoli, Bananas and Blueberries tonight.

Slowly swelling wife

I put before you exhibit #1... A slowly swelling wife.

A mate came round with his newborn - about five days old - and said, "After you have seen a woman give birth, you will never joke about it again."

It's all satisfyingly round at the moment.

Preserving pregnancy scan images

Tip-top-tip from a recent Dad: it is a very Bad Plan to laminate or otherwise try to preserve your scan pictures.

The pictures are printed on thermal paper, and any process that involves heating, such as lamination, ruins the image.

The Bloke's Guide to Pregnancy

Ok, I haven't actually read any of these books....

The Bloke's Guide to Pregnancy and The Bloke's 100 Top Tips for Surviving Pregnancy look mildly interesting, as does The Bloke's Guide to Baby Gadgets (all by Jon Smith; he certainly cranks them out). You might also try Fatherhood: The Truth (Marcus Berkmann) and From Lad to Dad: How to Survive as a Pregnant Father (Stephen Giles).

Unfortunately, all these books have the same childish approach to typography and stupid front cover art, presumably on the grounds that it will be the woman that buys the book and therefore the design must fit with chick-lit.

Let's have a Pregnant Bloke book with a tired shed on the cover, or perhaps a diagram describing the inner workings of a Maxwell engine.

The Pregnant Bloke and the First Trimester

Thirteen weeks, the first trimester, complete. First scan complete. All the immediate family and close friends informed.

Phew!

One-third of the way through (and that's a thought!), what I have gained, or learned? What comes into my head?

Achievement - and absolute happiness in my relationships; A fistful of new words and acronyms; Dates with medics that Can Not Be Missed; A stack of books and magazines that Must Be Read; Fuzzy black and white photos on thermal paper; Congratulations from all and sundry; And a plan for 2007.

Bloody hell.

Pregnant Bloke

After more than a year of saying "No, not yet," finally we have been able to spring a genuine New Year surprise on friends by saying (as casually as we could manage), "Yes" to The Question.

Surprisingly emotional for many friends, telling people is simply a relief for me, and I somehow feel I am cheating them or having the wrong response if I do not express wild enthusiasm and back-slapping excitement.

The best people to tell, by far, from my perspective, are good mates who have recently had children. When I tell them, they congratulate me, laugh, and make me feel good, and expect nothing of me.

Pregnant Bloke. That's how it makes me feel.